She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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