When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
