Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
