I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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