I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
