Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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