Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
