you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
