i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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