Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I will be naked everywhere
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
