Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
