well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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