I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
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