I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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