The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
