My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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