i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
