True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
