she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
