i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
