I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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