what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
