No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My bed smells like the plague
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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