just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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