seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
