We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize