I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
