im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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