I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
