Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
