I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
