Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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