I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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