nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
