I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
