haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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