His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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