I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
