The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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