12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
