Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
