Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
