my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
