party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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