somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
