He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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