I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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