accomplished twins. life is a go
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
