Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
