The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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