Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
