i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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