I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
