i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize