Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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