this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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