look no pants
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
