News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
