why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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