My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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