you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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