when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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