i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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